Love and relationships

Have you met people with plenty of friends with the best relationships?

The person who smiles all the time and offers unconditional love to those dear to them?

Relationship experts will tell you the reason their relationships thrive is because of the relationship they have with themselves. They have learned to love their innermost being and found their true identity.

On the opposite spectrum, do you know those with little friends that go from one relationship to the other without making make it last?

They argue, fight — are jealous, and proclaim they love for each other, but do not show it.

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

“The people we are in relationships with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.” — Shakti Gawain

Those with poor relationships have an unhealthy relationship with themselves. They have not found their true identity within themselves, but look towards others to define them.

They are looking for love in all the wrong places.

Relationships perplex even the best experts. They start out wonderful and both partners are floating on a cloud of love for months.

No one notices annoying traits or character defects, or if they do, they minimise it because they are in love.

As time goes by, things begin to change. The love hormones wane, character defects become clear, and arguing occurs more often.

Before you know it, the two are carrying resentments, yell at each other and contemplate the possibility of the relationship being over.

There are many factors that come into play in a relationship. The dynamics are different for every person, so it is difficult to say the reason for breakups is clear. It is a combination of factors.

One thing experts will tell you is, a person’s relationship with others, and especially a partner, mirrors their relationship with self.

If a person’s relationship with self is unhealthy, it is likely their relationship with others will be unhealthy.

Relationships make you see things in yourself that you might not see if you stay single.

You find out quickly if you are a selfish person once you are in a relationship, because when there is someone to “share” with, you face a decision to “share” or not.

Communication, compromise, and conflict resolution come up, and you face having to lay your pride down and work together on issues.

Don’t Focus On The Externals

“Relationship is a mirror. Every moment the other reveals you, exposes you. The closer the relationship, the clearer is the mirror.” — Rajneesh

A contributing factor whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy depends on where each partner finds happiness and fulfillment.

Many people seek this in external objects or people. I’m sure you’ve heard people proclaim: “I’ll be happy if he did this or she said that” or “If I only got that job, new house, baby.”

If a person seeks a partner to complete them, conflicts arise.

It is not your partner’s job to make you happy. It is your job to make you happy. It is your partner’s job to make themselves happy.

When you seek happiness externally, as in a person, you will expect things, and resentments arise. Resentments bring anger and anger brings arguments.

This is one reason people go from one relationship to another.

They think a person will “complete” them, but once the honeymoon phase is over, the needy partner sucks energy from the other trying to find fulfillment.

They may be: needy, jealous, controlling, and manipulative because they seek happiness through their partner. It does not work.

In order for a relationship to be healthy, each person should be at a place where they have dealt with issues such as: low self-esteem, jealousy, resentments, and inner pain.

Each partner must know self-love that radiates outward and add value to a relationship instead of seeking love and affirmation from a partner.

Many people gravitate toward partners who are opposites, which leads to conflict.

Conflict can help each partner to begin a journey within themselves to find unconditional love and wholeness. From there, unconditional love is given to the partner.

If you are in a relationship that is troubling you, stop pointing fingers and get quiet with yourself. Take time to contemplate, meditate, and take a season in which you find out who you are.

Deal with your issues related to: low self-worth, anger, bitterness, laziness, fear, etc.

Own up to your “junk” in the relationship and commit to looking inward to find your identity, unconditional love, and wholeness.

From there, you will maintain healthy relationships and add value to those around you.

If you cannot do this alone, consider seeing a relationship counsellor.

Counsellors are trained to help people move past their issues and offer insights on changing attitudes and behaviour.

Many people use this time and go on to develop healthy relationships.

You can too.

This post was written by Tony Fahkry, Self-empowerment Author and Expert Speaker. www.tonyfahkry.com and was originally published on May 17, 2018 on The Mission (at Medium.com)

Do you have a challenge when it comes to asking for what you want? Do you feel like you have to do everything alone? Do you “hint” at your wants and needs hoping someone “picks up on them?

More importantly do you refrain from bringing up what you want and need because you don’t want to “bother” or “burden” someone else?

“From what I’ve seen, it isn’t so much the act of asking that paralyzes us–it’s what lies beneath: the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of rejection, the fear of looking needy or weak. The fear of being seen as a burdensome member of the community instead of a productive one.”~Amanda Palmer

It takes a great deal of courage to be direct and ask for what we want and need. The Amanda Palmer quote really sums it up nicely. Many of us are challenged asking for help. We don’t want to be a “bother” but there is also another side of the equation to consider and, aside from needing to ask for help; Are we being clear and expressing to our loved ones and friends what we want and need from them day-to-day?

We move through our lives thinking people are going to figure us out. We hint, we hope and we think we are being clear but, and this is a BIG but, we may not be communicating as clearly as we think we are. Sometimes we circle round and round like a labyrinth until we finally arrive at our destination. Well my friends, the distance between two points does not have to include walking a maze with only one way in and one way out.

I admit I’m not always the best at voicing my wants and needs. What if I sound silly? What if someone doesn’t like what I’m saying? What if I’m perceived as not being a strong woman or the opposite, too pushy or bossy? No one wants to be perceived as “needy or weak, pushy or bossy” and sometimes it takes all I have to speak my truth and allow my vulnerable self to be seen.

We cannot be afraid of how we “think” others will perceive what we are saying. We should not ‘decide’ what someone else thinks, or what they will or won’t do, or how they will or won’t react to what we’re saying because the reality is we will, more than likely, be wrong.

To me asking for what I want and need, not in terms of needing help but sharing with others my vulnerabilities, is much like cracking open a closet filled to the brim. I’m afraid everything will come spilling out and I will be seen as incompetent, high maintenance or “less than” I am. The beauty of asking for what we want and need is that it is not only brave and vulnerable in that it tells someone about us it hopefully opens up a conversation so they can do the same with us.

Asking for what we want and need is not about demands, expectations or ultimatums. What I’m referring to is taking the guesswork out of the equation. While we can hope our loved ones and friends are aware and paying attention, people cannot read minds nor do most pick up on our so-called “cues” and hints. This is also not to say others can fully hear us and/or are open and available to give us what we want or need; But the fact is, at least we’ve verbally, to the best of our ability, communicated our wants and needs.

We can all use work on our communication and listening skills. We can all increase our awareness and pay more attention. If you are saying nothing then expecting something in your relationships you might want to have a look at the part YOU play in not having your wants and needs met.

If you happen to be blaming someone for not meeting your wants and needs ask yourself if you clearly and verbally communicated what they are. It seems more commonplace to let people “guess” and “assume” what we want than to speak from our heart and share what’s in there. Maybe we’re just afraid we’ll be disappointed if we speak up. Maybe we have in some way devalued our wants and needs and made others the priority.

Whatever stops you from clearly communicating your wants and needs, release it. You are important and your wants and needs have value. Be direct. Be brave. Be vulnerable. Be fearless. Be strong. Express what you want and need. Speak from the heart with love.~Shine Your Light Debbie

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