Be Direct! Ask for What you Want and Need….

LabrynthDo you have a challenge when it comes to asking for what you want? Do you feel like you have to do everything alone? Do you “hint” at your wants and needs hoping someone “picks up on them?

More importantly do you refrain from bringing up what you want and need because you don’t want to “bother” or “burden” someone else?

“From what I’ve seen, it isn’t so much the act of asking that paralyzes us–it’s what lies beneath: the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of rejection, the fear of looking needy or weak. The fear of being seen as a burdensome member of the community instead of a productive one.”~Amanda Palmer

It takes a great deal of courage to be direct and ask for what we want and need. The Amanda Palmer quote really sums it up nicely. Many of us are challenged asking for help. We don’t want to be a “bother” but there is also another side of the equation to consider and, aside from needing to ask for help; Are we being clear and expressing to our loved ones and friends what we want and need from them day-to-day?

We move through our lives thinking people are going to figure us out. We hint, we hope and we think we are being clear but, and this is a BIG but, we may not be communicating as clearly as we think we are. Sometimes we circle round and round like a labyrinth until we finally arrive at our destination. Well my friends, the distance between two points does not have to include walking a maze with only one way in and one way out.

I admit I’m not always the best at voicing my wants and needs. What if I sound silly? What if someone doesn’t like what I’m saying? What if I’m perceived as not being a strong woman or the opposite, too pushy or bossy? No one wants to be perceived as “needy or weak, pushy or bossy” and sometimes it takes all I have to speak my truth and allow my vulnerable self to be seen.

We cannot be afraid of how we “think” others will perceive what we are saying. We should not ‘decide’ what someone else thinks, or what they will or won’t do, or how they will or won’t react to what we’re saying because the reality is we will, more than likely, be wrong.

To me asking for what I want and need, not in terms of needing help but sharing with others my vulnerabilities, is much like cracking open a closet filled to the brim. I’m afraid everything will come spilling out and I will be seen as incompetent, high maintenance or “less than” I am. The beauty of asking for what we want and need is that it is not only brave and vulnerable in that it tells someone about us it hopefully opens up a conversation so they can do the same with us.

Asking for what we want and need is not about demands, expectations or ultimatums. What I’m referring to is taking the guesswork out of the equation. While we can hope our loved ones and friends are aware and paying attention, people cannot read minds nor do most pick up on our so-called “cues” and hints. This is also not to say others can fully hear us and/or are open and available to give us what we want or need; But the fact is, at least we’ve verbally, to the best of our ability, communicated our wants and needs.

We can all use work on our communication and listening skills. We can all increase our awareness and pay more attention. If you are saying nothing then expecting something in your relationships you might want to have a look at the part YOU play in not having your wants and needs met.

If you happen to be blaming someone for not meeting your wants and needs ask yourself if you clearly and verbally communicated what they are.  It seems more commonplace to let people “guess” and “assume” what we want than to speak from our heart and share what’s in there. Maybe we’re just afraid we’ll be disappointed if we speak up. Maybe we have in some way devalued our wants and needs and made others the priority.

Whatever stops you from clearly communicating your wants and needs, release it. You are important and your wants and needs have value. Be direct. Be brave. Be vulnerable. Be fearless. Be strong. Express what you want and need. Speak from the heart with love.~Shine Your Light Debbie

©Debra Taitel 2015 All Rights Reserved

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How Do You Quiet the Soundtrack in Your Head?

SoundwaveHave you ever had a song pop into your head and you can’t get it out? Otherwise know as an earworm, the song plays internally and could be “catchy” or “annoying”. It is repeated until you find a way to break the cycle of repetition.

What if the “earworm” is not a song but a soundtrack of thoughts that run through your head that keep you in the past, or feeling like you lack something, or they are full of fear? How do you break the cycle of repetition? The realization and awareness that there IS a soundtrack is a great start!

I recently saw a status posted on Facebook that really resonated with me and presented a wonderful answer.  With permission from my friend I wanted to share it and I think you’ll see why. He presents a wonderful way of getting back to yourself and connecting with the present by doing something as simple as watering a tree…

“I do at Times have a Soundtrack running through my Head.
The Conversation goes like this:
I am Missing Something.(When was the Last Time I was in Paris)
I am Missing Someone.(Usually My Mother)
I need Something More.(Another Book or Gadget I will buy and leave on the Shelf for a Year before I look at it if at All)
I am not Enough(Someone else seems More Up to whatever is going On)
I do not have Enough(Always at the End of the Month Bill Time)
Tonight I was Grateful to Water the Tree’s, be in Nature and put my Attention there.
Like I said a few minutes ago…need to do that More….”~Ellis Martin

While yours (or mine) might not be exactly like the one above I’m sure you can relate to the ‘soundtrack’ about missing something or someone and/or not being or having enough. Those things run through my head every day and I’m guessing if two of us have a similar soundtrack (with different answers of course) then many more of you out there have you own soundtrack as well.

The beauty of the post is the realization that there are moments we need to connect with nature and feel the peace of that connection. Our connections and grounding in present time don’t have to be complicated and full of effort. Grounding in present time can be as simple as watering a tree. Yes, I think Ellis is right when he says ‘need to do that more’. Perhaps all of us need to quiet the soundtracks, feel the earth beneath our feet and listen to the sounds of silence more often.

The peace of watering the trees, being in nature and having your attention in the present allows you to connect with yourself in a whole new way. It allows for a moment of calm and turns off the ‘soundtracks’ in your head as you enjoy that moment. The soundtrack of life can be loud and deafening.  The ‘quiet’ communing with nature could be exactly what you need to connect and commune with yourself. Maybe it’s time to  listen to the sounds of silence.~Shine Your Light Debbie

©Debra Taitel 2013 All Rights Reserved

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