Relationships – Page 10

“Self sabotage, the act of undermining your own wellness, happiness, and success, whether conscious or not, is you taking on the role of punisher, abuser, or bully…against yourself.”~Stephanie Quilao

Have you ever said something and regretted it merely seconds after it came out of your mouth? Have you found yourself really close to successfully attaining a long awaited goal then doing something to negate everything you’ve done to get there? Are you angry about decisions made in the past but not changing those decisions to reflect who you are now? Are amazing things happening in your life but your focus is on all that’s NOT happening? If so, you may be a victim of self sabotage!

I recently experienced all the above on my birthday….

The day before (and on) my birthday I started receiving birthday wishes and love from friends and clients all over the world. I was delighted beyond words to read every single private message, post, text, and email in addition to the phone calls. My heart was filled with happiness and as one friend put it I was having a “global birthday party”! I was surrounded by a beautifully woven blanket of love and felt the energy in every fiber of my being when suddenly my thoughts turned to those who I WANTED to get messages from but didn’t. I started to get angry that I was always there for them yet they couldn’t take the time to say happy birthday.

For a moment the hundreds of loving messages were negated by simply NOT hearing from two people. I quickly realized that the actions, or in this case inactions, of others controlled what I was having! I quickly let go of those thoughts and got my space back but questions still remained; How many times did I push away love or friendship because of some crazy thought that if it wasn’t from this one or that one that I wasn’t loved? How many times have I lowered my having-ness to match those who couldn’t have ME. (Self sabotage!) It was only a moment but I thank God for awareness and finally being able to see it!

Once I saw this I was able to return to my ‘happy space’ and went off to my party. I decided that those who showed up were the ones who were supposed to be there and I couldn’t wait to celebrate! The surprises kept coming! A dear friend who I wasn’t expecting showed up and I received a text from a lovely man who, when he found out it was my birthday, dropped everything to drive (over an hour) into the city and come to my party. I was seriously bursting with joy! Then it happened again… In all my joy, overwhelmed with love, I started joking around and said something that was rude, insensitive and judgemental.

Although it was not my intention to invalidate something that means a lot to someone I lost my space and did just that. I immediately tried to ‘fix’ what I had said but the more I tried the deeper the hole became. I am blessed to have forgiving, loving people in my life including the person whom I inadvertently, unintentionally and uncharacteristically spoke less than nice words to. In retrospect I couldn’t “have” what was being openly offered and allowed an energy to come through me. How many times had I done this before? Why would I say or be that way? In my human-ness I allowed fear and judgement to seep into my words for no reason at all other than I had lost my space and could not HAVE all the love that surrounded me.

Self sabotage comes in many forms. I see it happening with friends, members in my Weight Watchers® meetings, my clients and myself. What leads to any sort of self sabotage is a lack of having-ness (the ability to embrace and have something) and/or not being able to clear an energy or picture you are holding on to from the past. When you lose your space to an energy or picture all kinds of things come through including judgement, pushing people away or sabotaging your success because you can’t have it. How many times have you said or done something and afterwards wondered why? Instead of asking ‘why’ go within to find the underlying cause. It’s a good bet you’ll find the answer and it may not be what you think!

Although I spent the week beating myself up for being less than compassionate in a mere few sentences I realized that what happened was a blessing in disguise. It showed me I still have a lot to work on this lifetime. It showed me that I’m not only human but I’m perfectly perfect in my IMperfection. It also illuminated those places where I was stuck in a judgement picture and lacking having-ness.

Everything we do or say has an impact on our growth. Be aware of the areas you are sabotaging yourself whether it be a job change, your relationships or your dreams. If you are no longer in alignment with the choices you’ve made in the past which affect you today, it’s perfectly OK to change course, heal and open your eyes to those places where you have gotten in your own way. Stop the madness of self sabotage! Awaken, let go, embrace and raise your having-ness for a beautiful life! If you can have it, the sky’s the limit!~Shine Your Light Debbie

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Self-Sabotaging (ladymaturity.wordpress.com)
Are You Sabotaging Yourself? (Understanding Self-Sabotaging Behavior and Breaking It) (personalexcellence.co)
Self Sabotage: When you play the role of punisher (Backinskinny jeans.com)

Are you a people pleaser? Are you always in giving and healing others mode? Are you inclined to say YES every time someone asks you for a favor or to do something for them? Do you take time for yourself or are you always responding to other people’s needs and wants? Do you give away your valuable time and services because you can’t say NO? If so, you are a healer and it might be time to explore the Tao of NO!

A friend recently told me he was in a “receptive NO mode” and frankly I completely understand what he is saying. For the most part I do believe most of us are givers. We take on and solve problems for our friends, family, bosses, clients and customers. No one likes conflict and so in the essence of keeping the peace and helping we try to make everyone happy.

In business there are times we give away our services to those perhaps less fortunate and on a personal level it feels pretty good to help or give advice to a friend. We do this out of love and/or because we strive to be responsible for our own actions and enjoy giving. There is nothing wrong with doing any of those things BUT if you lose yourself in the process, there is nothing loving, giving or valiant about it!

In fact when you give or give away your most valuable resource (ie your energy) because you can’t say NO you are training people to continue asking for more. In essence you allow them to become senior (more important) in your space and eventually whatever has become senior will take its toll. It might be that your work life is thriving but your relationships suffer. It could be that your caring for others affects your health and well-being or leaves you with little time for yourself. It is possible that you are struggling financially yet someone else needs your product or services and can’t afford to pay you so you give it away to help them out.

The Tao is the flow of the universe

It is the “pattern behind the natural world that keeps the universe balanced and ordered.” (via Wikipedia) Always saying YES is an ‘absolute’ which creates an imbalance and takes you out of your flow. Keep in mind this is about YOU taking care of YOU and your needs. It’s about re-establishing balance and creating boundaries by connecting with your inner NO!

It IS ok to say no!

Do you give yourself permission to say no? I promise your life will not spontaneously combust if you say it every now and again. 🙂 What I loved about my friends comment about being in a receptive NO mode is that he is taking back his seniority and no longer allowing others to TAKE his time and energy. He is receptive to what is asked of him yet at the same time he is realizing how important it is to take care of himself by occasionally saying no. He is choosing to give instead of always being at the ‘beck and call’ of others.

Check in with yourself and evaluate who or what has become senior to you. You have a right to take time for and care for yourself. You have a right to make a living but be sure to include having a life. Givers and healers you have a right to create boundaries. This is what balance is all about and sometimes saying NO frees up your time and energy so you can be in your flow and say YES to YOU and the things that are important to you!~Shine Your Light Debbie

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